Saw this on an e card this morning
Sorry the relationship everyone thought
was the worst decision of your life
has ended.
You know there is a self-esteem issue if you don't think of your ex immediately upon reading this and laugh. Yeah... I read this and cringed inside thinking that everyone in my ex's life had certainly sent this to him. Time to roll up our sleeves this morning cause we gots some crappy self-esteem issues to work on.
I thought about writing to you/me all the feel good stuff that people immediately spout off Like: You are perfect. You are unique. You are wonderful. You have a nice personality. Just put up post it notes everywhere and say this to yourself 20 millions times a day and eventually our sub conscious will accept it as the truth.
Blah blah blah!!! I'm sick of it and if that crap worked then I would have the self esteem of a CEO or Politician. According to the feelings produced by reading the above this morning. DID NOT WORK! So new plan of action.
The real question is... why do I/we feel this way? Why am I telling myself these things? To hell with what the ex thinks at this point. If I still wanted him in my life it would be a present not an ex (same goes for all of them). Even when my 1st was the one to initiate the break up, do I want him now? Hell no, not on his best of days, if he had treated me right, I would have given him the world (in fact I did, 2 beautiful children) but because he was/is an absolute jerk (yeah he knows I feel this way about him)... ewww, no.
Now there was a time when I felt pretty dog gone good about myself. Yeah lets draw from that. If you can not remember a time like this then lets paint a picture of what it would look like in your mind. What was/would be different and how do I get there? Obviously our current mental picture is not working or our self-esteem would have immediately thought... YEAH all of my friends are saying this to me about him!! See ya sucka! Then off to the club for a JD over the rocks or to just dance.
Why would I even care what my friends thought? Suppose this is a good question. I mean come on, my relationship was not between them and me and him, was it? No, that relationship was between me and him. Period. They did not get a say about getting into the relationship, why in the world would I give them a say now? OK first obstacle demolished.
In what ways am I different now than before (my picture of me) with a decent self-esteem? Well, lets see. The depression encouraged me to put on a few extra pounds (guess 120 lbs would be considered a few extra wouldn't it) that do not fit with my picture of me. Ok, we can work on that... go back to black coffee rather than a desert coffee with cream and sugar (lots of sugar), I can cut one starch from my diet a day and limit that ice cream sandwich (yummy) to a Saturday treat. Yeah... I can do that. Before these things were not important to me, I was too busy having fun and living life. My hair isn't as shinny as I would like it to be, hummm well for a few years (be honest many years) I have not been deep conditioning these dry, coarse locks once a week, now have I? These hands!!! Yeah, before the deep depression, I gave myself a manicure once a week, deep conditioned cuticles with warm olive oil, applied hand lotion several times a day. Why did I stop that? Oh yeah, too depressed. This fat giggles along my body, even in my tightest blue jeans I can feel it blub, blub, blub like water balloons gone wild. Well that is muscle mass not fat causing that and no matter how much fat comes off, unless I do something about that, it won't change. I HATE EXERCISE. But before this deep depression, I loved to dog train and yeah, I use to train an hour every day 5 days a week. I also spent time pleasuring myself whenever the desire came, unashamed and happy for the release in privacy.
Maybe, just maybe if I go back to those old routines, the person that I liked will also be encouraged to come back. Yes, with more wisdom than before the lesson of who NOT to give myself away to. Why in the world did I ever "give myself away" in the first place. I was a perfectly good reflection of who I wanted to be and no one else would ever be able to care for me the way that I can. In fact, no one else can even see what I want to be except for me. He met/saw who I wanted to be, the picture of me, only I can know what that is. If others can't support (jealous of time) what I need to be me then why would I even want them as a part of my inner circle? How much can another person really care about me if they are just all about oh I need this and I need that and your going to the gym is not fitting into MY schedule? Oh, I really should have listened to me before this mess, well that was before the lesson so onward and upward we go.
Now we are cooking, something to grab onto.
Low Self-Esteem get ready to be demolished cause we got this now..... completely and utterly demolished because I am worth it and so are you.
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