Demolish it - Disrespect

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Stop it NOW!!!

Some of you may be aware (if not I will clue you in here) this is pretty much Aggressors portion of our blogs.  Aggressor handles things quite differently than the rest of us AND it is only because of aggressor that anything gets done in my world.  If it were not for the rage and anger that he feels, the rest of us would just sit in a dark corner without enough backbone, courage or self esteem to do anything else or spend our days between the bar and hang over.  So it is here that we (as a familial unit) work through issues with the Aggressor to come to a blended solution on topics. Today that topic is Bullying.

Here is what really has us pissed the hell off.  PEOPLE!!!  OK guess this blog is done.... 

When someone says.... "You offended me" the proper thing to do is to say.... "I'm sorry how did I offend you so we can discuss it"  WHY DO THOSE IN THE OFFENDER POSITION WANT TO JUSTIFY THEIR ACTIONS OR WHAT THEY DID TO TRY TO MAKE IT RIGHT????  I am so done with this type of behavior completely DONE.   

Example time.... this has happened in the past 2 years since moving here.

We moved close to a friend of ours.  Our friends car bit the dust.  She wanted to borrow one of ours and beings it was summer we could drive both the convertible and the suv.  We park the sports car each fall until spring.  I did not really NEED the suv at home as I was nesting at the time and except for an occasional trip to the store (which could be done while my Partner was at home preventing me from becoming so lost that the return home lasted a 1/2 tank of gas) did not need the 2nd car at home.  

We agreed to let her borrow the suv until she was able to get a different car.  Well............ she first decided that it needed new tires to be "safe" for her to drive.... $400 later the suv had new tires and a tune up which was another $125.  Then came the day when I realized that she had her parents car for the week as they were on vacation and she was borrowing theirs.  

On a very rare occasion we decided to relax at home and let Party Girl get smashed so went to the store and bought her a bottle of Honey Jack Daniels.  It has been almost 2 years and I feel an evening of massive amounts of whiskey coming in our near future for an evening.  My Partner was at work and it was just me and me and me at home with Party Girl in control and everyone else pretty free to speak their minds.  Which is why we chose to do this privately at home with the mood we were all in that night.  It went down very, very smooth and was absolutely NOT the night (in a free state of mind) to have any serious conversations but hey it happened to be that I saw my friend and asked for the keys to the suv while she had her parents car to drive for the week.  I have never and will never drink and drive but knew that the next day would be a great day to go shopping, of course depending on the hang over.  

I asked my friends for the keys to the suv.  She begins explaining to me how much of a benefit it is for HER to be driving it.... I'm like oh yeah????  Almost $600 benefited me how?  She told me that she did not want to give me the keys to MY CAR because we smoke and she had detailed the inside of the car.  Oh this was not going to be pretty........ Aggressor LAUNCHED with Party Girl in the background screaming HELL YEAH and it was ON..... Give me the Keys to MY CAR, I demanded.  She finally did but not without letting me know just how much I had hurt her over wanting the keys to my car back. REALLY??? REALLY???? You are kidding me right??? 

The next day she wanted to talk about it.... first I told her that she is NEVER to confront me on ANYTHING when I'm drinking... bad bad move then we agreed that she would buy a car while her parents were out of town and she was using their car so I could have my suv back.

NEXT... oh yeah it gets better..... she borrows $6000 from her parents to buy a different car and decides to use the money for something else.... here is her plan.... Now understand that our vehicles are paid off, no liens, no one can come repo them... period.  She decides that we can sign over the title to the sports car so she can show her Father that she bought a car and then use the money he gave her to pay some over due bills.  NO WAY!!! This is NOT happening..... REALLY?  REALLY?   This time I let my Partner handle it and the answer was not no but HELL NO.  If we had done that it would not have been in name only we would have LOST our car to her by signing the title over.  She really likes that Seebring convertible.... SO DO WE....

So what is Bullying?  Yeah.... what is bullying?  It is up to every one of us to SAY NO and mean it when it comes about and it comes about in many disguises with people not even realizing what they are doing.  What I have found is that when someone bullies another generally they try to justify their actions later.  

Oh are we still friends?  That answer is yes but with a lot more boundaries now than before.  A LOT MORE.  

Demolish It - Low Self-Esteem

Saw this on an e  card this morning

Sorry the relationship everyone thought

was the worst decision of your life

has ended.

You know there is a self-esteem issue if you don't think of your ex immediately upon reading this and laugh.  Yeah... I read this and cringed inside thinking that everyone in my ex's life had certainly sent this to him.  Time to roll up our sleeves this morning cause we gots some crappy self-esteem issues to work on.

I thought about writing to you/me all the feel good stuff that people immediately spout off Like:  You are perfect.  You are unique. You are wonderful. You have a nice personality. Just put up post it notes everywhere and say this to yourself 20 millions times a day and eventually our sub conscious will accept it as the truth.  

Blah blah blah!!!  I'm sick of it and if that crap worked then I would have the self esteem of a CEO or Politician.  According to the feelings produced by reading the above this morning. DID NOT WORK!  So new plan of action.

The real question is... why do I/we feel this way?  Why am I telling myself these things?  To hell with what the ex thinks at this point.  If I still wanted him in my life it would be a present not an ex (same goes for all of them).  Even when my 1st was the one to initiate the break up, do I want him now?  Hell no, not on his best of days, if he had treated me right, I would have given him the world (in fact I did, 2 beautiful children) but because he was/is an absolute jerk (yeah he knows I feel this way about him)... ewww, no.   

Now there was a time when I felt pretty dog gone good about myself.  Yeah lets draw from that.  If you can not remember a time like this then lets paint a picture of what it would look like in your mind.  What was/would be different and how do I get there?  Obviously our current mental picture is not working or our self-esteem would have immediately thought... YEAH all of my friends are saying this to me about him!!  See ya sucka!  Then off to the club for a JD over the rocks or to just dance.  

Why would I even care what my friends thought?  Suppose this is a good question.  I mean come on, my relationship was not between them and me and him, was it?  No, that relationship was between me and him.  Period.  They did not get a say about getting into the relationship, why in the world would I give them a say now?  OK first obstacle demolished.  

In what ways am I different now than before (my picture of me) with a decent self-esteem?  Well, lets see.  The depression encouraged me to put on a few extra pounds (guess 120 lbs would be considered a few extra wouldn't it) that do not fit with my picture of me.  Ok, we can work on that... go back to black coffee rather than a desert coffee with cream and sugar (lots of sugar), I can cut one starch from my diet a day and limit that ice cream sandwich (yummy) to a Saturday treat.  Yeah... I can do that.  Before these things were not important to me, I was too busy having fun and living life.  My hair isn't as shinny as I would like it to be, hummm well for a few years (be honest many years) I have not been deep conditioning these dry, coarse locks once a week, now have I?   These hands!!!  Yeah, before the deep depression, I gave myself a manicure once a week, deep conditioned cuticles with warm olive oil, applied hand lotion several times a day.  Why did I stop that?  Oh yeah, too depressed.  This fat giggles along my body, even in my tightest blue jeans I can feel it blub, blub, blub like water balloons gone wild.  Well that is muscle mass not fat causing that and no matter how much fat comes off, unless I do something about that, it won't change.  I HATE EXERCISE.  But before this deep depression, I loved to dog train and yeah, I use to train an hour every day 5 days a week.  I also spent time pleasuring myself whenever the desire came, unashamed and happy for the release in privacy.  

Maybe, just maybe if I go back to those old routines, the person that I liked will also be encouraged to come back.  Yes, with more wisdom than before the lesson of who NOT to give myself away to.  Why in the world did I ever "give myself away" in the first place.  I was a perfectly good reflection of who I wanted to be and no one else would ever be able to care for me the way that I can.  In fact, no one else can even see what I want to be except for me.  He met/saw who I wanted to be, the picture of me, only I can know what that is.  If others can't support (jealous of time) what I need to be me then why would I even want them as a part of my inner circle?  How much can another person really care about me if they are just all about oh I need this and I need that and your going to the gym is not fitting into MY schedule?  Oh, I really should have listened to me before this mess, well that was before the lesson so onward and upward we go.  

Now we are cooking, something to grab onto.  

Low Self-Esteem get ready to be demolished cause we got this now..... completely and utterly demolished because I am worth it and so are you.  

Demolish it - Incompetence

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Get ready because this is one of my favorite rants.  Are you ready for this????

First and foremost, until you pay my bills, accept my responsibilities, design my life, monitor me 24 hours a day 7 days a week with my responsibilities being only those of a very spoiled child and do a better job of it than I am.... GET OFF OF MY ASS.  Clear enough?

Hell people, you can't even manage your own lives and you want me to believe you can manage mine better?  While you are spending time making yourself feel better in ever expanding pathetic ways by judging what you believe is superior to my life, YOUR LIFE IS FALLING APART.   Don't think I haven't been watching because I have.  

The difference between you and me is that I have enough social skills, manners and care for you not to point out all of the failings that are clearly evident to everyone except for you.  The difference between you and I is that while you are working, playing around on your mate etc, I care enough to sit at home and babysit for free.  Incompetent?  Me?  Why because I did not charge you to watch the children?  The difference between you and me is that I did not lie to your face then stab you multiple times in the mind/heart/soul and pretend it was perfectly normal.  Incompetent ME??  The difference between you and I is that I was actually there when you needed me, regardless of anything else going on in my life.  Where were you?  Yeah, I'm incompetent for caring.   The difference between you and I is that when I made agreements with you I meant them and kept them.  I'm incompetent?  

So what is incompetence?  Suppose this is in the eye of the beholder but please before you even think that word with my face connected to it, look in a mirror.  Then if you still believe it, lets get a panel of independent judges to decide.  OK?  

Incompetent ass.  

Ok I feel better, thank you for listening

Demolish those feelings of low self worth, it does a body/mind good. 

Demolish It --From Depression to Freedom

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Who wants to talk about depression?  Well, not I and those that I know who live with Clinical Depression do not want to talk about it either.  It is fairly obvious to those near to us that something is wrong.  Why talk about the obvious?  Why even discuss the why's?  If we knew why then we would certainly fix it, right?  Clinical depression is not a indicator of intelligence.  

Many things contributed to my own personal depression and like it or not those of us who manage clinical depression will have it for life, same as a diabetic or any other physical illness.  In very general terms (from personal experience) I will state that depression happens due to an internal conflict which we are not wanting to resolve but is so damaging to ourselves that we fold inward.  What happens when one folds inward?  Well, see the above picture?  If we had not been in the process of a complete life demolition, I would not have cared at all whether that was how the kitchen looked or not.  In fact, for many years I lived in a home far worse than the one we had just moved into and did not care one tiny bit how it looked.  I was so exhausted on a soul level that no amount of sleep would be enough, nothing could reach me there and I was for the most part not even present to my own life.  The problem was that those very people who wanted to "fix" me were part of the problem.  Only I could demolish what was causing that particular depressive episode but figuring out exactly what needed to be demolished was not an easy task when so far into that dark place.  

To gain freedom, start small.  I had to find ONE thing that I felt the power to change.  It happened to be that sink of dirty dishes, over flowing from an unknown number of days and completely unnoticed as it sat on the counter.  Finally noticed when the decision had to be reached to wash a pan in order to cook some soup or wash the whole counter full.  So I decided to wash the pan and as the soup cooked to wash the rest of the dishes.  Freedom comes when we no longer require anyone to notice, appreciate or even compliment our achievement.  Yes, it is nice for others to notice but while depressed, I required constant attention with the feeling of achievement coming from the outside rather than from the inside.  There was nothing inside to feel achievement, nothing to draw upon.  Once that achievement has been accomplished take your chair and place it in front of the achievement, just sit and contemplate how utterly fantastic that is.  I mean WOW look at what you did and it matters not if one other person sees it, likes it, enjoys it.  We did it all for us and it is AMAZING.  

Freedom does not come through doing what others think we should do or expect us to do.  No this thing that you do must be something that YOU decided to do, just because you want to.  It might be going for a walk just to feel our body move.  It can be literally anything but it must be something that you initiate, accomplish and then sit in contemplation admiring that completion.  I personally like to take before and after pictures.  Why?  At any time I am feeling depressed, I can review back to accomplishments.  My depression will never go away, it will always be at the ready but with pictures, I can pull myself out of it quickly.  The personal reminder is real, it is tangent, it is an experience of demolishing something unwanted to create something else. 

One thing that I have noticed with taking pictures of what is upsetting me is that I can see things much more clearly.  My mind sees things as a whole and not in parts.  With the above picture, my mind sees a mess that is insurmountable when viewing it live.  I can not tear the situation with the condition of the kitchen apart into smaller increments so nothing would get accomplished.  It simply was a bolder in my way far too big to move.  After taking a picture, however, something changes within my mind and suddenly tiny parts become clear as in cracks in the bolder when can be chipped away at.  It is not a whole but many parts within a whole to be solved like a puzzle. 

Solving personal relationship issues should be this easy to see but sadly the parts within those keep moving, not staying constant long enough to resolve.  The ultimate conclusion reached over inter-relationship issues has been, it is an insurmountable problem.  If something is brought to my attention to discuss then come to an agreement which benefits all then great, I can work with that snapshot of our relationship.  Just important to remember that the snapshot taken of the agreement does not change within my mind so if not adhered to the agreement is null and void at that very moment. 

Find one small thing, demolish that void.  Take time to appreciate what you did fully and completely.  Find another small thing and repeat this process over and over.  Enjoy your new found freedom from depression.  

Wishing you a safe journey, you are worth it. 

Don't Just Wish it Away - Demolish Those Obstacles

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The day we arrived to our new home, this is what we saw looking at the rear of the house.  Well, a few choices here:
a.  run
b.  tell the landlord to clean it up
c.  decide to live with it
d. demolish the unwanted mess while being pissed off
e. demolish the unwanted mess while enjoying every step
f.  go get drunk and contemplate the sanity of this move
g.  close our eyes and pretend it was not there
h.  let out a blood curdling scream complete with explicatives
i.  Rage about the folks who left this mess

Well, you get the idea.  This example is true for every possible obstacle in our lives.  We have choices.  My choice?  I chose e then later followed up with f, interspersed with a healthy dose of i secretly within the privacy of our very dirty new home but the others never entered our minds.

Bottom line is the obstacle was demolished, completely and utterly demolished.  There is a time and a place for contemplation, living love and laughter and all of that.  I truly believe in it but, personally, when an obstacle arises that is not the time for meditation.  It is time to GET BUSY and MOVE it out of our way.

In this case it did not matter how long I talked to all of that trash sitting there, it still refused to walk itself over to the dumpster.  I tried yelling, screaming, even kicked it a time or two and it simply refused to leave.  So we Demolished It and have been happy with the results since that day.   We continue working on our project of Love (the yard) but it is now a pleasure to create slowly and as inspiration demands. 

How often do we become depressed to the point of inaction when only action will resolve the issue before us?  Sometimes we just have to get mad to get up.  Whatever it takes, Demolish it, just do it as Niki would say or Get er done by Larry the Cable Guy most importantly MOVE that ass of yours cause it isn't getting done just thinking about it.

Why?  Because that obstacle is in your way and the only way to remove it is to DEMOLISH it. 

Demolish It-- RULES (Must Read)

 

While on Vacation this little Angel taught as I listened

The message?  Inside of these rocks are crystals, watch and I will show you.

He broke the rock then handed me the pieces revealing the beauty within.

Rules

1.      It is only permissible to pick up and break our own rocks.

2.     Our own rocks consist of any obstacle between us and living our authentic selves.

3.     Only ethical, nonviolent, legal means may be used.

4.     There are no limits as to what are considered obstacles.

5.     We may invite others to assist with breaking rocks.

6.     Others, are not obligated to help in any way.

7.     We alone are responsible for our actions or non action.

8.     All ranges of emotions are allowed (see rule 3) passion being the most desirable.

9.     Leave a comment if I have left anything out that you believe should be on this list.