Demolish It --From Depression to Freedom

http://demolish-it.blogspot.com/2013/07/demolish-it-rules-must-read.html

Who wants to talk about depression?  Well, not I and those that I know who live with Clinical Depression do not want to talk about it either.  It is fairly obvious to those near to us that something is wrong.  Why talk about the obvious?  Why even discuss the why's?  If we knew why then we would certainly fix it, right?  Clinical depression is not a indicator of intelligence.  

Many things contributed to my own personal depression and like it or not those of us who manage clinical depression will have it for life, same as a diabetic or any other physical illness.  In very general terms (from personal experience) I will state that depression happens due to an internal conflict which we are not wanting to resolve but is so damaging to ourselves that we fold inward.  What happens when one folds inward?  Well, see the above picture?  If we had not been in the process of a complete life demolition, I would not have cared at all whether that was how the kitchen looked or not.  In fact, for many years I lived in a home far worse than the one we had just moved into and did not care one tiny bit how it looked.  I was so exhausted on a soul level that no amount of sleep would be enough, nothing could reach me there and I was for the most part not even present to my own life.  The problem was that those very people who wanted to "fix" me were part of the problem.  Only I could demolish what was causing that particular depressive episode but figuring out exactly what needed to be demolished was not an easy task when so far into that dark place.  

To gain freedom, start small.  I had to find ONE thing that I felt the power to change.  It happened to be that sink of dirty dishes, over flowing from an unknown number of days and completely unnoticed as it sat on the counter.  Finally noticed when the decision had to be reached to wash a pan in order to cook some soup or wash the whole counter full.  So I decided to wash the pan and as the soup cooked to wash the rest of the dishes.  Freedom comes when we no longer require anyone to notice, appreciate or even compliment our achievement.  Yes, it is nice for others to notice but while depressed, I required constant attention with the feeling of achievement coming from the outside rather than from the inside.  There was nothing inside to feel achievement, nothing to draw upon.  Once that achievement has been accomplished take your chair and place it in front of the achievement, just sit and contemplate how utterly fantastic that is.  I mean WOW look at what you did and it matters not if one other person sees it, likes it, enjoys it.  We did it all for us and it is AMAZING.  

Freedom does not come through doing what others think we should do or expect us to do.  No this thing that you do must be something that YOU decided to do, just because you want to.  It might be going for a walk just to feel our body move.  It can be literally anything but it must be something that you initiate, accomplish and then sit in contemplation admiring that completion.  I personally like to take before and after pictures.  Why?  At any time I am feeling depressed, I can review back to accomplishments.  My depression will never go away, it will always be at the ready but with pictures, I can pull myself out of it quickly.  The personal reminder is real, it is tangent, it is an experience of demolishing something unwanted to create something else. 

One thing that I have noticed with taking pictures of what is upsetting me is that I can see things much more clearly.  My mind sees things as a whole and not in parts.  With the above picture, my mind sees a mess that is insurmountable when viewing it live.  I can not tear the situation with the condition of the kitchen apart into smaller increments so nothing would get accomplished.  It simply was a bolder in my way far too big to move.  After taking a picture, however, something changes within my mind and suddenly tiny parts become clear as in cracks in the bolder when can be chipped away at.  It is not a whole but many parts within a whole to be solved like a puzzle. 

Solving personal relationship issues should be this easy to see but sadly the parts within those keep moving, not staying constant long enough to resolve.  The ultimate conclusion reached over inter-relationship issues has been, it is an insurmountable problem.  If something is brought to my attention to discuss then come to an agreement which benefits all then great, I can work with that snapshot of our relationship.  Just important to remember that the snapshot taken of the agreement does not change within my mind so if not adhered to the agreement is null and void at that very moment. 

Find one small thing, demolish that void.  Take time to appreciate what you did fully and completely.  Find another small thing and repeat this process over and over.  Enjoy your new found freedom from depression.  

Wishing you a safe journey, you are worth it.